Stress, Demons & Freedom - In My Own Bedroom. And Phil Wickham, who wasn't in my bedroom, which is good..

I was stressed.  I had a habit of avoiding things in my heart which made me unaware - and besides, guys just don't get stressed.  They get wore out, tired and many other masculine things, but never stressed.

The business I was running was barely a year old, finances were tight due to a recent loss.  I had a truck load of perishable  food that should have been sold that day - it wasn't and I wasn't convinced we were going to be able to.   

    I was also planning a canoe trip as part of a ministry I was a part of.  I had asked another guy to help lead the trip who I really didn't know.  He agreed to help lead.  As we (or 'he' would be more accurate) talked and planned I realized that if I wanted to lead this trip I was going to have to be honest with this individual about the fact that I had asked him to help me lead the trip - not lead it.  My brain was spinning, trying to think of how I was going tell him what I needed to tell him. I was afraid, I didn't want to face conflict.

    It was Wed night and I had just got off the phone after listening to the guy talk for while,  and quite aware of the load that needed to get sold the next day.  I lay down to sleep, sensing something wasn't right in the room but shrugging it off as unimportant.  I drifted off to sleep.  Suddenly I'm wide awake.  The clock shows I've been sleep barely 2 two hours and I realize I never get awake during this time of the night, I'm usually in the deepest part of my sleep.  I KNOW something is weird. I lay awake well over an hour and finally pray myself back to sleep.  Next I find myself standing in the middle of my bedroom.  My small lamp by my bed is on and I see a frog on the wall a few feet above my bed.  I realize it's kinda weird, but I choose to shrug it off - ignore it, its probably nothing.  Looking back I realize that I didn't have any feelings during this time.  I ignore the frog and some time passes.  I'm back in the same spot again looking at a much bigger frog above my bed. It was huge, black, very muscular, and it had very green eyes - reminding me of a cat.  It was staring at me and I still didn't believe it (sometimes I'm a little slow).  I took a couple steps to the side to see if it would turn its head and keep looking at me - it did. Then I found myself back in my bed and in my body again.  I felt this weight above me.  It began to grow - like some unseen pressure was coming down on me. As the pressure intensified I began to squirm, trying to get it off me.  I knew I wasn't going to be able to run from it.  I literally thought I was going to die - something was going to squeeze the life out of me. I began to pray silently and nothing happened.  Then, for some reason I prayed out loud for the blood Jesus to cover me - suddenly it was all over.  I drifted back to sleep.  The next morning found me sitting there crying, thanking God for spilling his blood for my sins. It was as though I got saved all over again. I realized that I would be dead if it wasn't for the blood of Jesus.  

   

Heb 9:22 - without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.

This was just one of the many experiences on my journey in the Lord moving me from a trust in, and an emphasis on righteous principals, rules, and lots of self discipline to trusting Jesus Christ and learning to follow him.

Stress, Demons & Freedom - In My Own Bedroom.

I was stressed.  I had a habit of avoiding things in my heart which made me unaware - and besides, guys just don't get stressed.  They get wore out, tired and many other masculine things, but never stressed.

The business I was running was barely a year old, finances were tight due to a recent loss.  I had a truck load of perishable  food that should have been sold that day - it wasn't and I wasn't convinced we were going to be able to.   

    I was also planning a canoe trip as part of a ministry I was a part of.  I had asked another guy to help lead the trip who I really didn't know.  He agreed to help lead.  As we (or 'he' would be more accurate) talked and planned I realized that if I wanted to lead this trip I was going to have to be honest with this individual about the fact that I had asked him to help me lead the trip - not lead it.  My brain was spinning, trying to think of how I was going tell him what I needed to tell him. I was afraid, I didn't want to face conflict.

    It was Wed night and I had just got off the phone after listening to the guy talk for while,  and quite aware of the load that needed to get sold the next day.  I lay down to sleep, sensing something wasn't right in the room but shrugging it off as unimportant.  I drifted off to sleep.  Suddenly I'm wide awake.  The clock shows I've been sleep barely 2 two hours and I realize I never get awake during this time of the night, I'm usually in the deepest part of my sleep.  I KNOW something is weird. I lay awake well over an hour and finally pray myself back to sleep.  Next I find myself standing in the middle of my bedroom.  My small lamp by my bed is on and I see a frog on the wall a few feet above my bed.  I realize it's kinda weird, but I choose to shrug it off - ignore it, its probably nothing.  Looking back I realize that I didn't have any feelings during this time.  I ignore the frog and some time passes.  I'm back in the same spot again looking at a much bigger frog above my bed. It was huge, black, very muscular, and it had very green eyes - reminding me of a cat.  It was staring at me and I still didn't believe it (sometimes I'm a little slow).  I took a couple steps to the side to see if it would turn its head and keep looking at me - it did. Then I found myself back in my bed and in my body again.  I felt this weight above me.  It began to grow - like some unseen pressure was coming down on me. As the pressure intensified I began to squirm, trying to get it off me.  I knew I wasn't going to be able to run from it.  I literally thought I was going to die - something was going to squeeze the life out of me. I began to pray silently and nothing happened.  Then, for some reason I prayed out loud for the blood Jesus to cover me - suddenly it was all over.  I drifted back to sleep.  The next morning found me sitting there crying, thanking God for spilling his blood for my sins. It was as though I got saved all over again. I realized that I would be dead if it wasn't for the blood of Jesus.  

   

Heb 9:22 - without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.

This was just one of the many experiences on my journey in the Lord moving me from a trust in, and an emphasis on righteous principals, rules, and lots of self discipline to trusting Jesus Christ and learning to follow him.

Water That's Alive

Its interesting that Jesus likened Holy Spirit to water that is alive.  Its like He's telling us about his battery or fuel - what we can receive to run our engine.  So that's a crude illustration, but then again water is kind of too.

John 7:37-39 (NIV)

 ³⁷On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. ³⁸Whoever believes in me, as^[a] the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." ³⁹By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified.


I was having a glass of water the other day and had to think about how our bodies are made up of such a high percentage of water - Babies: 78%, Adult men:60%. (Wiki.answers.com).  I was thinking about how water soaks into every part of our bodies and what it would be like if I let Holy Spirit do the same - soak into every part of my body. 


I think from the Lord's perspective we spend most of our time sitting on the bank of the river.  We look at the river, we study and learn about the river, and we like the sound of the river.  Its peaceful to just sit by the river.  But when someone gets crazy enough to jump in the river we think they are nuts and just want attention, and sometimes that's true.


But for those of us who jump in, well, we really don't know how to swim, much less float on our backs so when we do we usually can't stay in the river real long. It takes a LOT of surrender and trust to live (or maybe I should say die to self) in the river.  And there is no room for control.  Thankfully we can walk in slowly like Ezekiel did in his vision (Ezekial 47:3-5).  


One thing for certain, going to Jesus and receiving Life from Him is impossible unless we believe in our heart and recognize that we need this Life. Simply drawing near with the right words will never be enough  because Jesus will honor our choice to withhold our heart from him, letting us just gather information about Him instead.    




Isaiah 29:13
The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.

Life and Separation from it

In my opinion - sin: what our wrong actions stem from and what cuts us off from God is...

a desire to live without God - or the dependence that brings about a heart connection with a Divine Spirit, connecting us to the Source of Life. 

Its Adam and Eve's act of choosing the tree of the knowledge of good and evil over walking with God. Its choosing good principles and or bad principles without a heart connection or worship of the one who gave us the freedom to pursue them.  

Its anything that takes highest priority in our life other then God.

Separation can simply mean giving Godly principles more focus and attention then God Himself - making his principles into an idol - which is how religion happens and it may be the egg Pharisees hatch from.   

Its - Like John 5:39 says: its reading the bible and thinking that by doing so we have life. This is a common one for us religious people. 

Jesus says that none of these things will give us the Life He wants to give.  The only way we can have that is by coming to Him just as we are - and learning how to live there - receiving our Life from him.  

If we are not changed from the inside out then we are not changed at all, we become a nice looking 'white washed tomb full of dead man's bones'. 

Destiny Part 3

Simply put - one of the clues to watch for that directs us towards our destiny is recognizing the activities that touch our heart or bring the deepest sense of fulfillment.  It could be the things that cause us to 'rise up in righteous anger'.  The later being a sign that the Lord has more healing to do in our heart, but it still can give us some light to what we are called to do.

Like Moses.  He got angry when he saw an Egyptian beating an Israelite, so he up and kills the Egyptian.  He was already trying to respond to what the Lord put in him to do - deliver his people from bondage and mistreatment, even though it wasn't what the Lord had in mind.

What hit me this morning as I was writing in my journal is the part surrender plays in the development of my destiny.  I'm in this situation where I want something that the Lord is isn't giving me right now. The more time goes by, the more I'm realizing how the Lord is using this to change my identity as I surrender to His plans.  He has placed something deep within me that says: I want to be set apart unto the Lord - I want Him to be first and way more important then any other relationship or desire.  And I have this theology/way of thinking that says; yes, if I follow these certain principles that means that I've placed my heavenly Father first.  That's nice and sounds good and really isn't that hard. Keeping a set of beliefs/morals doesn't bring about freedom in our hearts or God's plans for us, and we can do it just to be right and look good. I will hold to my set of beliefs but I won't surrender my right to what I want and let you be my source of life in that place in my heart. 

Thankfully Holy Spirit continues to deliver me from my own twisted theology.

Its your goodness that leads me to repentance. 

  

   

Becoming

Silently I sit, sensing my own deep unwillingness to surrender yet again.


But... I get this sense that... well.... i'm quite sure... 



He wants to be the 'fountain of living water' in my heart.  He wants to be the fulfillment of my deepest desires and longings.  He knows how he made me so he knows what is in my heart, and that I've been created for Him (Love).  And no amount of good thinking will change the desires in my heart, although they can cause us to live in this shallow, 'Mr.happy nice guy' that everyone likes.

So as something that I really desire (a seeminlgy good thing) doesn't come to pass, I find myself getting impatient and then surrendering at a deeper level and then repeating the process over again, and then again. The deeper the surrender the more I get to truly experience the Lord changing my desires and becoming my source of life.  Then I begin to discover that this was what I was created for!  To know and experience the Holy Spirit in my heart in deeper and deeper ways as I learn to trust him.

I've realized how my heart believes that if it had what it longs for it would be satisfied and fulfilled.  This is true!  However what actually happens is that I believe that the fulfillment of its desires are in the wrong place.  I will go to relationships, activities, work, etc. to try to fill a void that only the perfect love of Jesus through his Spirit will ever be able to fill.  Until then, I am left more empty and life-less then we can know.

So I let go of my right to have what I think I need, and I open up that crazy place in my heart to you Holy Spirit. I don't think that dry place has experienced your touch yet so have at it.