In search of... walking toward while having arrived at the current place... unfinished conclusions and words left unspoken. Shedding the concrete mold - Desires - Longing - Pain - Joy - Peace - Holy Spirit - Reality? And "I know because I've been there".
I sat down and wrote this today as a small expression of the things I'm experiencing through training for the 100 mile foot race I'm doing in 2 weeks.
Among the Broken~
Alive in my death, I’m learning to stand – in my selfishness I’m becoming a man.
Its all about me, and the cry in my heart, I come first and this affects every part.
I can’t seem to go low enough, I can’t change what I am – separated by my selfishness
and the deep fear of man.
And so I will run and keep running – maybe find the end of the drive – which never
seems to give up, no matter how hard I try.
I find myself among the broken, the ‘live ins’ and the divorced – all running for similar reasons-
deep into the forest.
We find an outlet, and we get some relief – the drive deep inside of us,
eventually melts into peace.
I like to think I’m so different, but that’s not what I said – I’m really the same – like the thoughts in my head.
So I will keep running until I am spent, until deep in my heart, my cry has been met.
Facing my heart - letting the Son melt the ice, I find myself among the broken – and enjoying His life!
I'm recognizing how I've used religion to seperate me from my own problems - good morals and hard work can be great facades and I don't say that to de-value morals/hard work, I'm only recognizing what's in my heart and how I've abused good principles. Its been freeing/fun to recognize/admit to more or my problems - the truth does set us free - and it also allows us to be in the world - understand and identify with it - but not be 'of the world' get our life/fulfilment from it.
This song reflects the joy of recognizing my place (where it all starts) - and the cross as my foundation for Life.
The more I experience Jesus through the Holy Spirit, the more I recognize the damage religion does to people. It’s really sad how a person in a position of authority can say/imply things like: if you do not agree with me (read - do what I say), then you are not honoring me, the bible commands us to honor our parents and you are not doing that. This seems to be a common form of control/spiritual abuse in many families and churches. And in turn, those under authority fail to understand what it means to honor those over them and still freely disagree with them.
The other day I was talking with a friend (we'll call this person Sam) who is active in the local church. Sam enjoys researching things in scriptures and has formed his own beliefs on many subjects, even though he is only a teenager. And he's respected for his unique, thought provoking perspective. He is part of a class the pastor's wife teaches, and he's often called upon to share his perspective of what was just taught. His relationship with the pastor's wife is quite new yet, and Sam has no desire to cause problems. But the last time the teacher shared and then asked for his perspective on the topic, he shared a different opinion which wasn't exactly in harmony with what the pastor's wife just got done teaching - nor was it in opposition, it was simply different. After all, Sam is speaking honestly from his own perspective.
Sam noticed how his thoughts made the teacher quite uncomfortable which moved him to question whether he should've said what he said. He's also friends with the pastor's daughter who is currently asking hard questions and coming to different conclusions then her parents - causing some discomfort.
I've found myself in similar circumstances many times with the pastor in the conservative church I grew up in. And after having our share of fights, I've learned some principles of how to say things honestly without causing reactions.
First, sincerely listening and seeking to understand and then clarify what is being said is our goal since we are called to love each other (listening is a big part of love, whether we agree with what is being said or not). And listening well, with the intention of trying to understand (instead of listening with the intention of a reply) is the first step to healthy communication - giving others healthy emotional space.
It helps to understand that legalism has its power in the fear of man. The fear of man also brings about a need to have people conform to a certain theology (we HAVE to be 'right'), culture and sometimes even a certain dress code. So, because we may be afraid of what people will think of us if we are different, we sometimes simply take the thought process of other leaders and make it ours, and can avoid the important questions in our heart that we are too afraid to ask.
So now it’s our turn to speak. I’ve found that using terms such as “I believe I understand your perspective and I value that. From my perspective I’d say…”. So, by first letting others know that you are giving them the space to believe differently then you, you are showing them honor/respect. When we free people to disagree with us and choose to honor them - the other person suddenly recognizes that it’s safe to disagree on things, and they most likely won't take your thoughts as a threat to their way of thinking. This is also a way to disarm someone who may be unintentially trying to control you. By the way, I speak from my own journey of dealing with insecurity/control (fear of man) when others disagree with me.
I've been in situations where I sensed that the person asking me a question had no intention of listening to me, I sensed that it was only a trap or a way for them to try get me to believe what they wanted me to believe. So I've learned to say things like: I don't feel that talking about this will be helpful right now, could we talk about this at a better time?
Ultimately, walking out surrender to Jesus will direct us from getting into fruitless arguments that can lead to unnecessary broken relationships. Surrender to Jesus also means that we don’t just let people force their opinions on us. And sometimes broken relationships are necessary, but more often than not, it’s our own selfishness that causes broken relationships, it’s not commonly a result of following Jesus.
When we think back on the good memories we have - like last weeks lunch with a friend who some how has a way of making you feel enjoyed, and exudes an atmosphere that quietly says: its safe to talk about anything you want, and I'll still enjoy being with you - or grabbing a sub and meeting up at the park on a perfect September day, simply sharing the joys and pains of everyday life with a few friends... these experiences have ways of changing us.
Lately I've been recognizing my need for simple, real, everyday relationships. Places where I can be with people who want to be real and who accept me when I am simply 'me' in every sense of the word. The more I choose to be real - simply talking about what is happening in my life - current frustrations - successes - fears, etc. the more freedom and joy I experience.
The theme for me spiritually continues to be John chapter 6, particularly verses 53-57. And the line that I've been learning how to live out is vs. 57 - he who feeds on Me will live because of Me. Jesus is forgiveness, love, healing, righteousness, wisdom... and the list goes on, but eating of His body and drinking of his blood means that we receive those attributes into our spirit - since His words are 'Spirit and Life', and this happens by faith. So I'm on a journey of learning how to live in a place of knowing I'm forgiven and made righteous by His death. When I fail or recognize that I'm giving my success or failure a large amount of attention, I'm learning to quietly turn back to Jesus - receiving the Life that only He can give. And then when His Presence begins to burn in my heart - even when I'm feeling frustrated/discouraged/or simply like I'm not a very good person - its encouraging because it becomes very clear that its something we accept by faith in Jesus - not by being good. The focus is not on our effort, but on His sacrifice. And Jesus asks us to - take and eat, otherwise we die.
I was talking with a friend the other day about how my legalistic mentality is so damaging. It shows up in how I'm not okay with having unresolved issues. Somehow we have been taught that we have to have all our ducks in a row - our act together even though we know that we don't - no one does. When you take any religion or belief and combine it with fear - you will always find a legalistic/law focused, un-relational/emotionally unsafe environment that is actually perpetuated by obligation and fear of others.
Grace gives us the love we need to come out of hiding, since it makes it safe to do so - and this disarms the power of our brokenness which otherwise would separate us from each other, and eat away at us from the inside out! Grace is what draws us to 'walking in the light, so the blood of Jesus can be our righteousness' 1 John 1:7.
Have you noticed the difference between the information you know in your head and what your heart believes? As I mentioned in the last post - all our previous experiences directly affect our ability to relate well to people in our current circumstances. The more we understand this and find healing, the more free we become. And the less we foolishly rationalize and avoid opportunities for personal growth.
Example
I spent 2+ years as a counselor at a camp for boys who were unable to function normally in a school setting due to an emotional handicap of some form. As far as I could tell, each of the guys that were their did not receive a healthy amount of love as young children, and were now struggling to sort through the void in their hearts.
There was one boy in my group that seemed to struggle more then usual with relationships. He had been diagnosed with R.A.D. (reactive attachment disorder). I found out that he had been in the foster care program for many years. He was 16 when he joined our group, a very smart kid who was a whiz with numbers. He also had an amazing memory. If I'm remembering these numbers correctly, he had been in the foster care program for roughly 7 years and had been in more then 15 different homes. RAD means that when you begin to form a relational attachment with someone, you react and intentionally damage the relationship. So here's what would happen - when I would begin to spend time/have fun with this boy, and our relationship would begin to deepen, he would intentionally do something to hurt me as a way to distance himself from me.
It doesn't take a genius to understand that because of his past experience in and out of foster homes, this young man believed in his heart that if he didn't damage the relationships himself, the other person would. So keeping himself distant from others was a way to keep his heart from getting hurt - and it seemed that there was no amount of reasoning that could change this.
I see many of my own issues are the same in principal as those of the boy's issues mentioned above. And I watch it played out on daily basis in the lives of others as well.
In A Nutshell
Information alone (what we understand in our minds) does not change what we believe in our hearts,
Information without experience is just as incomplete as experience without information.
Our perspective on how growth and change happens is lacking.
Our Educational System
I believe our educational system is broken - both in the church and in the school. We think that having kids sit through a lecture or a Sunday school teacher's rendition of the story of 'Jonah and the Wale' will really do something for them. We don't seem to value walking with others through the circumstances that will give us the experience we need to change and develop what our hearts believe.
Our Personal Lives
When we face hard circumstances - our focus tends to shift toward the mistakes of others, instead of considering the potential for the hard circumstances to build the internal strength and courage that we will need as part of our normal life skills. If I can't move toward responding honorably to conflict, then 'I'm the one' who has a problem.
Otherwise (if I don't take responsibility for my actions), I'm now a victim and I have no hope of overcoming - forgiving - or becoming free. The deeper our pain/healing, the greater power/authority and true freedom we have.
We live in the 'Information Age' and it doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere. There's a number of us (just a few short of most of the world) who subconsciously are avoiding what is in our hearts, and the circumstances we need to walk through to strengthen and change us. We're less interested in our own emotional freedom/responsibility and more interested in easy safety, power, our dreams, control or the quick fix. And an emphasis on 'right theology' has now taken the place of 'healthy relationships'. Fear will continue to move us away from heart issues unless its dealt with.
If we don't become personally responsible, we begin to lose our freedoms. We can blame others all we want, and as a result never amount to impacting our world - much less developing fun, healthy relationships.
Here's another way to say it. If someone sees a butterfly struggling to get out of its cocoon and helps it out - allowing it to avoid the hard struggle of breaking free, it won't be strong enough to fly and will die. If we keep avoiding the tough circumstances in our lives, we will never become all that we were created to be.Freedom is primarily something inside of us, it is not based on our circumstances but in our heart - or our ability to respond freely to the hard circumstances.
I think most of us are caterpillars crawling around, waiting to become a butterfly (realize our destiny). But we never grow wings because we are unwilling to let God use hard circumstances to reveal what has not yet been redeemed in our hearts. And so we will not walk in freedom because we won't face our pain, fears, and every thing else that comes to the surface during hard times. And if we don't face these things, we never really turn to Him because we really don't need the healing and redemption that Jesus offers us by His death on the cross.
In Deuteronomy chapter 7, Moses is giving instructions to Israel on how to take over the land that the Lord is giving them. In verse 1 he mentions 7 nations that are 'larger and stronger' then Israel. Later in verse 22 he says that the Lord will drive them out 'little by little' - you will not be allowed to eliminate them all once or the wild animals will multiply around you.
The lies in our heart are replaced with the Truth that brings freedom in similar way. Walking out our redemption, by following Jesus and allowing Him to use our every day circumstances to reveal the lies in our hearts that He wants to set us free from, can be exciting. But it's not something we can do on our own very well - we need other's around us to help us keep perspective and to see through the 'smoke and mirrors'.
Lately, I've been a part of numerous discussions on the topic of relationships, both romantic and on a friendship basis. What's crazy about relationships is that everything is connected. What I mean is that all our previous experiences directly affect our ability to relate to people in our current circumstances.
The Dog
A real basic example: My apartment is in the bottom level of a house. I'm good friends with my upstairs neighbors and occasionally we get together. A few months ago they brought a dog home from the pound. He's a small dog and a mix of some sort, but he's very smart. They named him Bugsy. I've always loved animals and was looking forward to good times with him, but this dog had issues. He's not the most friendly dog, but he generally gets along just fine with others, although he always seems to distrust men - giving them extra space. But what's annoying is that he totally hates me! I've never done a thing to him and he totally freaks out when I enter the room. At first, his owners would pick Bugsy up and let me hold him. Bugsy would sit in my lap stiff as a board and soon start shaking from apparent fear and then jump off my lap as soon as I gave him the freedom. I figured that love respects others wounds (even dogs) so I'd give the animal some emotional space by not approaching the dog in any way. I then decided to give Bugsy a special treat whenever I have the time, but I always do it in a way that doesn't crowd his space. He's now come to the place of trust where he actually has followed me into my apartment recently while I was getting his treat for him, which is completely amazing. He's slowly learning to trust me, although he wouldn't even think of letting me pet him. Its quite obvious that Bugsy has had some bad experiences with someone who looks a lot like me and has simply transfered his issues on to me.
My Point
As humans we have an even greater capacity and internal memory of previous experiences then animals. And these experiences have shaped how we currently relate to people. This is a universal issue for human relationships. If you have any amount of self awareness then you recognize at least a little of your inability to respond well under certain normal circumstances. Most people call this a phobia. It's slightly humorous, and I have to laugh at my own phobias. If you aren't convinced you have a phobia then check out this link - scroll down for an alphabetically organized list of phobias for just about everything you can think of.
Let Me Repeat Myself
As I mentioned above - all our previous experiences directly affect our ability to relate to people in our current circumstances. I believe phobias are simply external objects/people/circumstances that trigger our internal fear (whether or not the object is actually dangerous). And because this fear is rooted in past experiences, we will not overcome these fears unless we either experience unconditional love, face the circumstances and walk through it safely, or both. If you question the healing power of love, then read 'Only Love Can Make a Miracle ~ Mahesh Chavda. Often, forgiveness plays a large role in this too, and forgiveness in the heart is much deeper then only a mental choice
A couple of scriptures that come to mind are - 'Love never fails (God's love for us and our love for others)', 'Be not over come with evil, but overcome evil with good', and, 'perfect love drives out fear' (Rom 12:21, 1 Cor 13:8, 1 John 4:18).
As was shown in Ray's post, sin is not what we want to worry about. Being overly preoccupied with sin actually causes us to give into it. Fighting sin wears us out. Making rules against it actually makes sin more attractive.
The other day I sat down for supper. I had made fish and had bought a jar of tarter sauce for the occasion. For some strange reason, this jar had 'Do Not Freeze' written in bold letters around the neck. As I looked at the jar I got this urge to freeze it, just to see what would happen. I mean I've frozen jars before - what's the big deal with the tarter sauce. I couldn't help but laugh at myself.
A few days ago I saw an elderly, ornery looking guy (he had to be well over 50) wearing a T-shirt that said: 'Life is short, break all the rules'. I just stood there and looked at him for while, smiling. Thankfully he didn't notice my grin.
There's this dichotomy of either or. You either try to keep all the rules (or as many as you can) or you just go ahead and do whatevertheheckyouwant. The interesting thing about this is that neither one of these perspectives is what brings life and freedom. Of course there is the 'easy grace' teaching but that's an old subject that doesn't bring about the freedom and life of Jesus in our hearts either.
In James chapter 1 we read that its the testing of our faith that produces patience (endurance), and its when this endurance becomes fully developed that we become perfect. I remember asking the Lord what this means.... I mean really, how does patience make us perfect? Some time later the following thoughts came to mind. Isaiah says that 'all our righteousness is as dirty rags' before the Lord, so becoming perfect is not something we do. We know that 'Abraham believed God and God counted it to to him as righteousness. We also know that righteousness only comes through faith in Jesus' gift of His body and blood, and that without the shedding of blood we have no forgiveness for our sins.
I'll sum it up this way ~ Our choice to believe in our hearts (faith) opens the door for us to receive the gift of Jesus' righteousness, forgiveness and victory over sin. And its walking in this place of deepening relationship that brings about the ongoing redemption of Jesus through His Spirit in us. Our bodies are actually meant to be a temple of the Holy Spirit (or presence of God) 1 Cor 6:19. The Lord actually WANTS to be with us - which is why He sent His Son to die for us in the first place. But most of us settle for trying to be good once were saved. AAAAaaaahhhhh. I don't even want to think about that last sentence, its SO EVIL because its SO subtle - just the way the Devil tempted Adam and Eve in the garden - he said: if you eat this you won't die but you will have understanding and 'know the difference between good and evil'. And we are still seeking the knowledge of good and evil, and then we wonder why we don't have power or freedom!
So now the question and focus is no longer about how right or wrong are actions are (good or evil) but whether we will walk with the door (faith) of our heart open, receiving the life, love and victory that Jesus wants to give us. Its 'in Him that we are to live and move and have our being', (Acts 17:28).
Faith in Jesus as our 'righteousness' connects us to our Father and allows us to receive the Life which produces freedom and good fruit, like - Love, Joy, Peace, etc.
Jesus said that without faith its impossible to please God. And then in Rom 14:23 Paul says that whatever is not of faith is sin.
If our focus is on the things we do (and we end up reducing the New Testemate to a list of do's and don'ts similar to that of the Old Testement), and then we let our interpretation of our performance determine our identity, we have lost the battle already because there is no power or real room for faith when we focus on our actions. When we turn our focus on Jesus in faith, opening up our hearts in humility realizing we need to receive from Him continually - anything is possible - but most importantly we learn to know Him as a person, we begin to experience His touch and His transformation in our hearts and begin to truly love Him because we are letting Him love us. And as we get our identity from what He says about us, our actions begin changing.
Its kinda like a branch trying to grow fruit without being connected to the tree. If a branch isn't receiving life (and it seems few Christians can receive anything, not even a compliment) then it can't produce fruit although it might try to look like it is.
Recorded for a sound check for Integrity Live's "Deeper Worship"
A friend of mine writes the following account of his personal experience. As I mentioned in the last post - this story has deeply impacted my own experience and has given me direction on my own spiritual journey since.
This revelatory type of vision was probably 20 years ago when I struggling with an area of sin in my life. I realized I didn’t believe what Jesus said when he mentioned that 'where sin abounds, grace does much more abound (Romans 6), instead, I was choosing to believe what my circumstances where telling me which was: 'where grace abounds sin much more abounds' - the opposite of what Jesus taught. You could also say that instead of believing 'greater is He that is in me then he that is in the world' I was believing the exact opposite because my faith was continually tested by my circumstances. I chose to believe my circumstances instead of trusting God's word.
I feel it may be helpful to discuss the definition of sin – I will do that at the conclusion.
One night I went to bed thinking about the struggle I was facing. I had a dream/vision where I found myself in a boxing ring with an opponent that was skillful in his approach to boxing, doing good footwork and dancing about taunting me to swing at him. He was wearing a shirt that had a logo similar to how your local school might appear, but instead of a school name, there was the word ‘SIN’ in big capitol letters. I was getting extremely tired from swinging at him when he finally (in a moment of vulnerability and while I was actually leaning into him) gave me an uppercut and knocked me to the mat. I landed with my head on the mat in my own corner with my legs extended to the center of the ring without a corner man to attend to me. I realized Jesus was really my corner man, but He was outside the ring with His head at mat level, whispering into my ear saying; sin shall no longer have dominion over you (Romans 6:14).
At some point I realized that as I started to swing at him, my swings (both lefts and rights) were actually my attempts to be the best Christian as possible by controlling my behavior in my own strength and will power as well as trying defeat SIN.
I was kinda shocked because, as in my life experience, sin was not only winning but almost knocked me out. So I got up and stood there starring at him as he continued taunting me – trying to get me to keep up my unsuccessful attempts at hitting him some more. I thought to myself: if he hasn't got any dominion over me than why am I even fighting in this ring? So I began taking off my boxing gloves while saying "I am no longer fighting you”. As I said that I noticed that a string similar to a fishing line was attached to him in puppet fashion. It extending into a square hole in the ceiling which a slightly larger person was holding. This person (holding the strings to the puppet) then proceeded to look up at another person and said, "he knows" referring to me. This other person in the upper ceiling space then jumped down onto the boxing ring and stood looking at me saying, "now you have to deal with me". I noticed he had a shirt with writing on it as well but on his shirt was written DEATH. That was how it ended.
The Lord was trying to instruct me that He disarmed and broke the power of sin over all who accept and trust His sacrifice. We are not to wrestle with flesh and blood because we will never win that battle. Romans 6:6, 12, 18, and Romans 8:3 (Amplified Bible is clearer). Since sin's dominion was stripped of its power over a true believer, (Phillipians 3:3, and Colossians 2:15 Amplified Bible), we are now engaged in a warfare with death, which is the last enemy to be put under his feet, 1 Corinthians 15:26.
I came to realize as well that by trying to fight the battle of flesh and blood and wrestling with sin that I was partaking of the tree of the knowledgeof good and evil which is cursed. Jer 17:5 says cursed is the man that trusts in man. The Lord proceeded to tell me that I must trust the Holy Spirit to discern Life and death - not good and evil.
Written by Ray Goulet
If playback is occasionally interrupted start the player and then pause it for a little while so that the media stream can get ahead of the player.
Paul says: For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation...
(Romans 1:16).
The 'Good News' is the power of God 'in us' to save us from sin and its affect on us, its much more then simply getting into heaven! Jesus says that getting saved is like being born again - this time of the Spirit (John 3:1-21). Salvation is being born as a child into a new family - its entering a whole new journey of learning to know/trust the heart and mind of a perfect Father.
A very basic part of this new journey is understanding victory over sin.
This is a subject that I've been praying about for the last few weeks. What I write on this subject will be from my experience combined with that of a friend (Ray Goulet). Its a result of the growth in our heart understanding/experience of what Jesus teaches us. Ray is a friend I met a few years ago - one of those relationships that 'you know are of God' and you end up staying in contact with and visiting occasionally. Ray is from the New Hampshire area - which is great since our relationship gives me a good excuse to visit a beautiful state once in a while.
My last post (about the experience with the presence of evil) was an experience that deeply impacted me and changed my perspective and my values. Having grown up in a religious, formal setting I mostly had a theology for the power of God to bring freedom to my heart, but not a real experience or practical application of it. Emphasis was on appearance - hard work/discipline and meeting the expectations of others - particularly those of the church. If you could measure up to the expectations of others you got blessed with their approval - so I learned how to do that well. A few of my friends weren't so lucky and I watched as they were bumped around by a system of belief that has become quite damaging and powerless in light of what Jesus Christ teaches. However, to say I got through unscathed would be like saying: living in an environment of very unhealthy expectations where the amount of love given is based on my performance really had no negative impact on me. Any professional psychologist would have a good laugh at my attempt to avoid the obvious.
Having left the organized church system for some time now, and having visited a number of other church systems, I've found that as part of human nature, we settle for a system/program that appears easy instead of developing actual relationship that are safe, and heart issues are discussed openly. In fact - the church I grew up in seems to be quite healthy in light of many of the places I've been to and observed. Religion* is something that we will naturally resort to as we seek to live without the pain of authentic relationships both with God and others.
I'm excited about the next post! Ray will be sharing a story that has impacted me in the past and reveals a truth that continues to go deeper into my heart. As I walk out what I sense to be true and resonates in my spirit - I find deeper freedom and restoration to my heart. I love simple truth, and the encounter Ray had with Lord is just that - simple truth that brings freedom and exposes us to a deeper level of biblical truth.
*
1: A form, list of beliefs or priorities which appear right but will not submit to the leadership of Jesus Christ
2: An emphasis on principles instead of God himself.
3: A way to look good or have an appearance of righteousness without dealing with motives of the heart.
4: The weight experienced as a result of taking biblical principles out of context and/or adding to them in order to have an appearance of righteousness.
I was stressed. I had a habit of avoiding things in my heart which made me unaware - and besides, guys just don't get stressed. They get wore out, tired and many other masculine things, but never stressed.
The business I was running was barely a year old, finances were tight due to a recent loss. I had a truck load of perishable food that should have been sold that day - it wasn't and I wasn't convinced we were going to be able to.
I was also planning a canoe trip as part of a ministry I was a part of. I had asked another guy to help lead the trip who I really didn't know. He agreed to help lead. As we (or 'he' would be more accurate) talked and planned I realized that if I wanted to lead this trip I was going to have to be honest with this individual about the fact that I had asked him to help me lead the trip - not lead it. My brain was spinning, trying to think of how I was going tell him what I needed to tell him. I was afraid, I didn't want to face conflict.
It was Wed night and I had just got off the phone after listening to the guy talk for while, and quite aware of the load that needed to get sold the next day. I lay down to sleep, sensing something wasn't right in the room but shrugging it off as unimportant. I drifted off to sleep. Suddenly I'm wide awake. The clock shows I've been sleep barely 2 two hours and I realize I never get awake during this time of the night, I'm usually in the deepest part of my sleep. I KNOW something is weird. I lay awake well over an hour and finally pray myself back to sleep. Next I find myself standing in the middle of my bedroom. My small lamp by my bed is on and I see a frog on the wall a few feet above my bed. I realize it's kinda weird, but I choose to shrug it off - ignore it, its probably nothing. Looking back I realize that I didn't have any feelings during this time. I ignore the frog and some time passes. I'm back in the same spot again looking at a much bigger frog above my bed. It was huge, black, very muscular, and it had very green eyes - reminding me of a cat. It was staring at me and I still didn't believe it (sometimes I'm a little slow). I took a couple steps to the side to see if it would turn its head and keep looking at me - it did. Then I found myself back in my bed and in my body again. I felt this weight above me. It began to grow - like some unseen pressure was coming down on me. As the pressure intensified I began to squirm, trying to get it off me. I knew I wasn't going to be able to run from it. I literally thought I was going to die - something was going to squeeze the life out of me. I began to pray silently and nothing happened. Then, for some reason I prayed out loud for the blood Jesus to cover me - suddenly it was all over. I drifted back to sleep. The next morning found me sitting there crying, thanking God for spilling his blood for my sins. It was as though I got saved all over again. I realized that I would be dead if it wasn't for the blood of Jesus.
Heb 9:22 - without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.
This was just one of the many experiences on my journey in the Lord moving me from a trust in, and an emphasis on righteous principals, rules, and lots of self discipline to trusting Jesus Christ and learning to follow him.
I was stressed. I had a habit of avoiding things in my heart which made me unaware - and besides, guys just don't get stressed. They get wore out, tired and many other masculine things, but never stressed.
The business I was running was barely a year old, finances were tight due to a recent loss. I had a truck load of perishable food that should have been sold that day - it wasn't and I wasn't convinced we were going to be able to.
I was also planning a canoe trip as part of a ministry I was a part of. I had asked another guy to help lead the trip who I really didn't know. He agreed to help lead. As we (or 'he' would be more accurate) talked and planned I realized that if I wanted to lead this trip I was going to have to be honest with this individual about the fact that I had asked him to help me lead the trip - not lead it. My brain was spinning, trying to think of how I was going tell him what I needed to tell him. I was afraid, I didn't want to face conflict.
It was Wed night and I had just got off the phone after listening to the guy talk for while, and quite aware of the load that needed to get sold the next day. I lay down to sleep, sensing something wasn't right in the room but shrugging it off as unimportant. I drifted off to sleep. Suddenly I'm wide awake. The clock shows I've been sleep barely 2 two hours and I realize I never get awake during this time of the night, I'm usually in the deepest part of my sleep. I KNOW something is weird. I lay awake well over an hour and finally pray myself back to sleep. Next I find myself standing in the middle of my bedroom. My small lamp by my bed is on and I see a frog on the wall a few feet above my bed. I realize it's kinda weird, but I choose to shrug it off - ignore it, its probably nothing. Looking back I realize that I didn't have any feelings during this time. I ignore the frog and some time passes. I'm back in the same spot again looking at a much bigger frog above my bed. It was huge, black, very muscular, and it had very green eyes - reminding me of a cat. It was staring at me and I still didn't believe it (sometimes I'm a little slow). I took a couple steps to the side to see if it would turn its head and keep looking at me - it did. Then I found myself back in my bed and in my body again. I felt this weight above me. It began to grow - like some unseen pressure was coming down on me. As the pressure intensified I began to squirm, trying to get it off me. I knew I wasn't going to be able to run from it. I literally thought I was going to die - something was going to squeeze the life out of me. I began to pray silently and nothing happened. Then, for some reason I prayed out loud for the blood Jesus to cover me - suddenly it was all over. I drifted back to sleep. The next morning found me sitting there crying, thanking God for spilling his blood for my sins. It was as though I got saved all over again. I realized that I would be dead if it wasn't for the blood of Jesus.
Heb 9:22 - without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.
This was just one of the many experiences on my journey in the Lord moving me from a trust in, and an emphasis on righteous principals, rules, and lots of self discipline to trusting Jesus Christ and learning to follow him.
Its interesting that Jesus likened Holy Spirit to water that is alive. Its like He's telling us about his battery or fuel - what we can receive to run our engine. So that's a crude illustration, but then again water is kind of too.
John 7:37-39 (NIV)
37On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. 38Whoever believes in me, as[a] the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him." 39By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive. Up to that time the Spirit had not been given, since Jesus had not yet been glorified.
I was having a glass of water the other day and had to think about how our bodies are made up of such a high percentage of water - Babies: 78%, Adult men:60%. (Wiki.answers.com). I was thinking about how water soaks into every part of our bodies and what it would be like if I let Holy Spirit do the same - soak into every part of my body.
I think from the Lord's perspective we spend most of our time sitting on the bank of the river. We look at the river, we study and learn about the river, and we like the sound of the river. Its peaceful to just sit by the river. But when someone gets crazy enough to jump in the river we think they are nuts and just want attention, and sometimes that's true.
But for those of us who jump in, well, we really don't know how to swim, much less float on our backs so when we do we usually can't stay in the river real long. It takes a LOT of surrender and trust to live (or maybe I should say die to self) in the river. And there is no room for control. Thankfully we can walk in slowly like Ezekiel did in his vision (Ezekial 47:3-5).
One thing for certain, going to Jesus and receiving Life from Him is impossible unless we believe in our heart and recognize that we need this Life. Simply drawing near with the right words will never be enough because Jesus will honor our choice to withhold our heart from him, letting us just gather information about Him instead.
Isaiah 29:13 The Lord says: "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but theirhearts arefarfrom me. Their worship of meismade up only of rules taught by men.
In my opinion - sin: what our wrong actions stem from and what cuts us off from God is...
a desire to live without God - or the dependence that brings about a heart connection with a Divine Spirit, connecting us to the Source of Life.
Its Adam and Eve's act of choosing the tree of the knowledge of good and evil over walking with God. Its choosing good principles and or bad principles without a heart connection or worship of the one who gave us the freedom to pursue them.
Its anything that takes highest priority in our life other then God.
Separation can simply mean giving Godly principles more focus and attention then God Himself - making his principles into an idol - which is how religion happens and it may be the egg Pharisees hatch from.
Its - Like John 5:39 says: its reading the bible and thinking that by doing so we have life. This is a common one for us religious people.
Jesus says that none of these things will give us the Life He wants to give. The only way we can have that is by coming to Him just as we are - and learning how to live there - receiving our Life from him.
If we are not changed from the inside out then we are not changed at all, we become a nice looking 'white washed tomb full of dead man's bones'.
