The other day I was talking with a friend (we'll call this person Sam) who is active in the local church. Sam enjoys researching things in scriptures and has formed his own beliefs on many subjects, even though he is only a teenager. And he's respected for his unique, thought provoking perspective. He is part of a class the pastor's wife teaches, and he's often called upon to share his perspective of what was just taught. His relationship with the pastor's wife is quite new yet, and Sam has no desire to cause problems. But the last time the teacher shared and then asked for his perspective on the topic, he shared a different opinion which wasn't exactly in harmony with what the pastor's wife just got done teaching - nor was it in opposition, it was simply different. After all, Sam is speaking honestly from his own perspective.
Sam noticed how his thoughts made the teacher quite uncomfortable which moved him to question whether he should've said what he said. He's also friends with the pastor's daughter who is currently asking hard questions and coming to different conclusions then her parents - causing some discomfort.
I've found myself in similar circumstances many times with the pastor in the conservative church I grew up in. And after having our share of fights, I've learned some principles of how to say things honestly without causing reactions.
First, sincerely listening and seeking to understand and then clarify what is being said is our goal since we are called to love each other (listening is a big part of love, whether we agree with what is being said or not). And listening well, with the intention of trying to understand (instead of listening with the intention of a reply) is the first step to healthy communication - giving others healthy emotional space.
It helps to understand that legalism has its power in the fear of man. The fear of man also brings about a need to have people conform to a certain theology (we HAVE to be 'right'), culture and sometimes even a certain dress code. So, because we may be afraid of what people will think of us if we are different, we sometimes simply take the thought process of other leaders and make it ours, and can avoid the important questions in our heart that we are too afraid to ask.
So now it’s our turn to speak. I’ve found that using terms such as “I believe I understand your perspective and I value that. From my perspective I’d say…”. So, by first letting others know that you are giving them the space to believe differently then you, you are showing them honor/respect. When we free people to disagree with us and choose to honor them - the other person suddenly recognizes that it’s safe to disagree on things, and they most likely won't take your thoughts as a threat to their way of thinking. This is also a way to disarm someone who may be unintentially trying to control you. By the way, I speak from my own journey of dealing with insecurity/control (fear of man) when others disagree with me.
I've been in situations where I sensed that the person asking me a question had no intention of listening to me, I sensed that it was only a trap or a way for them to try get me to believe what they wanted me to believe. So I've learned to say things like: I don't feel that talking about this will be helpful right now, could we talk about this at a better time?
Ultimately, walking out surrender to Jesus will direct us from getting into fruitless arguments that can lead to unnecessary broken relationships. Surrender to Jesus also means that we don’t just let people force their opinions on us. And sometimes broken relationships are necessary, but more often than not, it’s our own selfishness that causes broken relationships, it’s not commonly a result of following Jesus.
