Among the Broken

I sat down and wrote this today as a small expression of the things I'm experiencing through training for the 100 mile foot race I'm doing in 2 weeks. 

Among the Broken~

Alive in my death, I’m learning to stand – in my selfishness I’m becoming a man.

Its all about me, and the cry in my heart, I come first and this affects every part.

I can’t seem to go low enough, I can’t change what I am – separated by my selfishness
and the deep fear of man.

And so I will run and keep running – maybe find the end of the drive – which never
seems to give up, no matter how hard I try.

I find myself among the broken, the ‘live ins’ and the divorced – all running for similar reasons  -
deep into the forest. 
We find an outlet, and we get some relief – the drive deep inside of us,
eventually melts into peace. 

I like to think I’m so different, but that’s not what I said – I’m really the same – like the thoughts in my head. 
So I will keep running until I am spent, until deep in my heart, my cry has been met. 

Facing my heart - letting the Son melt the ice, I find myself among the broken – and enjoying His life!  


I'm recognizing how I've used religion to seperate me from my own problems - good morals and hard work can be great facades and I don't say that to de-value morals/hard work, I'm only recognizing what's in my heart and how I've abused good principles.  Its been freeing/fun to recognize/admit to more or my problems - the truth does set us free - and it also allows us to be in the world - understand and identify with it - but not be 'of the world' get our life/fulfilment from it.

This song reflects the joy of recognizing my place (where it all starts) - and the cross as my foundation for Life.      

To Disagree doesn't mean 'Dishonor'.

The more I experience Jesus through the Holy Spirit, the more I recognize the damage religion does to people. It’s really sad how a person in a position of authority can say/imply things like: if you do not agree with me (read - do what I say), then you are not honoring me, the bible commands us to honor our parents and you are not doing that. This seems to be a common form of control/spiritual abuse in many families and churches. And in turn, those under authority fail to understand what it means to honor those over them and still freely disagree with them.




The other day I was talking with a friend (we'll call this person Sam) who is active in the local church. Sam enjoys researching things in scriptures and has formed his own beliefs on many subjects, even though he is only a teenager. And he's respected for his unique, thought provoking perspective. He is part of a class the pastor's wife teaches, and he's often called upon to share his perspective of what was just taught. His relationship with the pastor's wife is quite new yet, and Sam has no desire to cause problems. But the last time the teacher shared and then asked for his perspective on the topic, he shared a different opinion which wasn't exactly in harmony with what the pastor's wife just got done teaching - nor was it in opposition, it was simply different. After all, Sam is speaking honestly from his own perspective.

Sam noticed how his thoughts made the teacher quite uncomfortable which moved him to question whether he should've said what he said. He's also friends with the pastor's daughter who is currently asking hard questions and coming to different conclusions then her parents - causing some discomfort.

I've found myself in similar circumstances many times with the pastor in the conservative church I grew up in. And after having our share of fights, I've learned some principles of how to say things honestly without causing reactions.

First, sincerely listening and seeking to understand and then clarify what is being said is our goal since we are called to love each other (listening is a big part of love, whether we agree with what is being said or not). And listening well, with the intention of trying to understand (instead of listening with the intention of a reply) is the first step to healthy communication - giving others healthy emotional space.

It helps to understand that legalism has its power in the fear of man. The fear of man also brings about a need to have people conform to a certain theology (we HAVE to be 'right'), culture and sometimes even a certain dress code. So, because we may be afraid of what people will think of us if we are different, we sometimes simply take the thought process of other leaders and make it ours, and can avoid the important questions in our heart that we are too afraid to ask.

So now it’s our turn to speak. I’ve found that using terms such as “I believe I understand your perspective and I value that. From my perspective I’d say…”. So, by first letting others know that you are giving them the space to believe differently then you, you are showing them honor/respect. When we free people to disagree with us and choose to honor them - the other person suddenly recognizes that it’s safe to disagree on things, and they most likely won't take your thoughts as a threat to their way of thinking. This is also a way to disarm someone who may be unintentially trying to control you.  By the way, I speak from my own journey of dealing with insecurity/control (fear of man) when others disagree with me.

I've been in situations where I sensed that the person asking me a question had no intention of listening to me, I sensed that it was only a trap or a way for them to try get me to believe what they wanted me to believe. So I've learned to say things like: I don't feel that talking about this will be helpful right now, could we talk about this at a better time?

Ultimately, walking out surrender to Jesus will direct us from getting into fruitless arguments that can lead to unnecessary broken relationships. Surrender to Jesus also means that we don’t just let people force their opinions on us. And sometimes broken relationships are necessary, but more often than not, it’s our own selfishness that causes broken relationships, it’s not commonly a result of following Jesus.

Take and Eat

When we think back on the good memories we have - like last weeks lunch with a friend who some how has a way of making you feel enjoyed, and exudes an atmosphere that quietly says: its safe to talk about anything you want, and I'll still enjoy being with you - or grabbing a sub and meeting up at the park on a perfect September day, simply sharing the joys and pains of everyday life with a few friends... these experiences have ways of changing us.

Lately I've been recognizing my need for simple, real, everyday relationships.  Places where I can be with people who want to be real and who accept me when I am simply  'me' in every sense of the word.  The more I choose to be real - simply talking about what is happening in my life - current frustrations - successes - fears, etc. the more freedom and joy I experience.   

The theme for me spiritually continues to be John chapter 6, particularly verses 53-57.  And the line that I've been learning how to live out is vs. 57 - he who feeds on Me will live because of Me. Jesus is forgiveness, love, healing, righteousness, wisdom... and the list goes on, but eating of His body and drinking of his blood means that we receive those attributes into our spirit - since His words are 'Spirit and Life', and this happens by faith.  So I'm on a journey of learning how to live in a place of knowing I'm forgiven and made righteous by His death.  When I fail or recognize that I'm giving my success or failure a large amount of attention, I'm learning to quietly turn back to Jesus - receiving the Life that only He can give. And then when His Presence begins to burn in my heart - even when I'm feeling frustrated/discouraged/or simply like I'm not a very good person - its encouraging because it becomes very clear that its something we accept by faith in Jesus - not by being good.  The focus is not on our effort, but on His sacrifice.  And Jesus asks us to - take and eat, otherwise we die. 

I was talking with a friend the other day about how my legalistic mentality is so damaging. It shows up in how I'm not okay with having unresolved issues.  Somehow we have been taught that we have to have all our ducks in a row - our act together even though we know that we don't - no one does.  When you take any religion or belief and combine it with fear - you will always find a legalistic/law focused, un-relational/emotionally unsafe environment that is actually perpetuated by obligation and fear of others. 

Grace gives us the love we need to come out of hiding, since it makes it safe to do so - and this disarms the power of our brokenness which otherwise would separate us from each other, and eat away at us from the inside out! Grace is what draws us to 'walking in the light, so the blood of Jesus can be our righteousness'      1 John 1:7.

What Our Hearts Believe is not what We Think.

Have you noticed the difference between the information you know in your head and what your heart believes?  As I mentioned in the last post - all our previous experiences directly affect our ability to relate well to people in our current circumstances. The more we understand this and find healing, the more free we become. And the less we foolishly rationalize and avoid opportunities for personal growth.

Example

I spent 2+ years as a counselor at a camp for boys who were unable to function normally in a school setting due to an emotional handicap of some form. As far as  I could tell, each of the guys that were their did not receive a healthy amount of love as young children, and were now struggling to sort through the void in their hearts.
    There was one boy in my group that seemed to struggle more then usual with relationships.  He had been diagnosed with R.A.D. (reactive attachment disorder).  I found out that he had been in the foster care program for many years.  He was 16 when he joined our group, a very smart kid who was a whiz with numbers. He also had an amazing memory.  If I'm remembering these numbers correctly, he had been in the foster care program for roughly 7 years and had been in more then 15 different homes. RAD means that when you begin to form a relational attachment with someone, you react and intentionally damage the relationship. So here's what would happen - when I would begin to spend time/have fun with this boy, and our relationship would begin to deepen, he would intentionally do something to hurt me as a way to distance himself from me.  

    It doesn't take a genius to understand that because of his past experience in and out of foster homes, this young man believed in his heart that if he didn't damage the relationships himself, the other person would. So keeping himself distant from others was a way to keep his heart from getting hurt - and it seemed that there was no amount of reasoning that could change this.

I see many of my own issues are the same in principal as those of the boy's issues mentioned above. And I watch it played out on daily basis in the lives of others as well.

In A Nutshell

Information alone (what we understand in our minds) does not change what we believe in our hearts,

Information without experience is just as incomplete as experience without information.

Our perspective on how growth and change happens is lacking.

Our Educational System

I believe our educational system is broken - both in the church and in the school.  We think that having kids sit through a lecture or a Sunday school teacher's rendition of the story of 'Jonah and the Wale' will really do something for them. We don't seem to value walking with others through the circumstances that will give us the experience we need to change and develop what our hearts believe.

Our Personal Lives

When we face hard circumstances - our focus tends to shift toward the mistakes of others, instead of considering the potential for the hard circumstances to build the internal strength and courage that we will need as part of our normal life skills. If I can't move toward responding honorably to conflict, then 'I'm the one' who has a problem.
Otherwise (if I don't take responsibility for my actions), I'm now a victim and I have no hope of overcoming - forgiving - or becoming free.  The deeper our pain/healing, the greater power/authority and true freedom we have.

We live in the 'Information Age' and it doesn't seem to be getting us anywhere.  There's a number of us (just a few short of most of the world) who subconsciously are avoiding what is in our hearts, and the circumstances we need to walk through to strengthen and change us.  We're less interested in our own emotional freedom/responsibility and more interested in easy safety, power, our dreams, control or the quick fix. And an emphasis on 'right theology' has now taken the place of 'healthy relationships'. Fear will continue to move us away from heart issues unless its dealt with.   

If we don't become personally responsible, we begin to lose our freedoms. We can blame others all we want, and as a result never amount to impacting our world - much less developing fun, healthy relationships. 

Here's another way to say it.  If  someone sees a butterfly struggling to get out of its cocoon and  helps it out - allowing it to avoid the hard struggle of breaking free, it won't be strong enough to fly and will die. If we keep avoiding the tough circumstances in our lives, we will never become all that we were created to be.  Freedom is primarily something inside of us, it is not based on our circumstances but in our heart - or our ability to respond freely to the hard circumstances.

                     

I think most of us are caterpillars crawling around, waiting to become a butterfly (realize our destiny).  But we never grow wings because we are unwilling to let God use hard circumstances to reveal what has not yet been redeemed in our hearts. And so we will not walk in freedom because we won't face our pain, fears, and every thing else that comes to the surface during hard times. And if we don't face these things, we never really turn to Him because we really don't need the healing and redemption that Jesus offers us by His death on the cross.   

In Deuteronomy chapter 7, Moses is giving instructions to Israel on how to take over the land that the Lord is giving them.  In verse 1 he mentions 7 nations that are 'larger and stronger' then Israel.  Later in verse 22 he says that the Lord will drive them out 'little by little' - you will not be allowed to eliminate them all once or the wild animals will multiply around you.

The lies in our heart are replaced with the Truth that brings freedom in similar way. Walking out our redemption, by following Jesus and allowing Him to use our every day circumstances to reveal the lies in our hearts that He wants to set us free from, can be exciting. But it's not something we can do on our own very well - we need other's around us to help us keep perspective and to see through the 'smoke and mirrors'.