Becoming

Silently I sit, sensing my own deep unwillingness to surrender yet again.


But... I get this sense that... well.... i'm quite sure... 



He wants to be the 'fountain of living water' in my heart.  He wants to be the fulfillment of my deepest desires and longings.  He knows how he made me so he knows what is in my heart, and that I've been created for Him (Love).  And no amount of good thinking will change the desires in my heart, although they can cause us to live in this shallow, 'Mr.happy nice guy' that everyone likes.

So as something that I really desire (a seeminlgy good thing) doesn't come to pass, I find myself getting impatient and then surrendering at a deeper level and then repeating the process over again, and then again. The deeper the surrender the more I get to truly experience the Lord changing my desires and becoming my source of life.  Then I begin to discover that this was what I was created for!  To know and experience the Holy Spirit in my heart in deeper and deeper ways as I learn to trust him.

I've realized how my heart believes that if it had what it longs for it would be satisfied and fulfilled.  This is true!  However what actually happens is that I believe that the fulfillment of its desires are in the wrong place.  I will go to relationships, activities, work, etc. to try to fill a void that only the perfect love of Jesus through his Spirit will ever be able to fill.  Until then, I am left more empty and life-less then we can know.

So I let go of my right to have what I think I need, and I open up that crazy place in my heart to you Holy Spirit. I don't think that dry place has experienced your touch yet so have at it.